Jokes & Humor

When the wife says fix it… You better fix it!

Carpenter
One day while a wife was working in her kitchen, a
cupboard door came loose and when her husband got
home, she asked him to fix it. He told her, "Do you see
the word ‘carpenter’ written anywhere on this shirt?" She
said "no," and he went on his way.

ElectricianThe next day while cleaning in the basement, she found
the light didn’t work. She changed the light bulb and did
everything that she could to try to fix it, but it still wouldn’t
work. When her husband got home, she asked him, "Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the
basement for me?" He simply said, "Do you see the word
‘electrician’ written anywhere on this shirt!" She said "No,"
and he went into the living room to relax.

PlumberThe next day, a pipe in the kitchen began leaking. When
her husband got home, she asked him to fix it for her, to
which he replied, "No, do you see the word ‘plumber’
written anywhere on my shirt?" "No," she said, again.

The next day, the husband returned from work and saw
that everything was fixed – the pipe, the light, and even
the cupboard! He asked her, "Who fixed all of this?" To
which she replied, "I asked the neighbor to come over and
help, and he gladly agreed."

Betty Crocker

"Well, how did you repay him for his services?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "he only asked for sex, or cookies."

The husband thought a moment then said "So what kind
of cookies did you bake him?" The wife quickly snapped
back, "do you see ‘Betty Crocker’ written anywhere on this
shirt!"

You’re Married Now… Fight Like A Man

Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

Groom Hiding Under BedThe third man turned to the first two
and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"

The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that’s incredible! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"

Who Really Wears The Pants In The Family

Groom Wears the PantsA newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the ¬†husband took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. "There’s no way I can wear these – they’re way too big," she said. "Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family," replied the husband.

Wedding PantiesFlustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, "Put these on." The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, "There’s no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "You’re darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!"

(Whew… lesson learned!)Groom Sweating

The Wedding Test

(This joke is rated PG-13. However I would not tell this one to my daughter. But if you’re old enough to be planning a wedding your old enough to appreciate this joke.)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in
his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

 

And the moral of this story is:

…Always
keep your condoms in your car…


December 2017
M T W T F S S
« Mar    
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031